F*ckin’ Woody Allen

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/15/woody-allen-resume-from-1965_n_3762729.html

Woody Allen’s hilarious résumé.

Rap Revived?

Kendrick Lamar releases a blitzkrieg on all rappers earlier week with his verse on Big Seans-Control. His lyrics aimed at some of hip hops most prominent artists today including Drake, J. Cole and even Big Sean and Jay Electronica, who were on the same song! Many are calling this the revival of old school hip hop which begs the question; does hip hop need to have a confrontation in order for it to be considered real hip hop?

As a culture I feel that African Americans have this constant need to not only be better than their counterparts but also demolish them. It’s an idea that only one can be successful so if your doing well I have to be starving. I think this verse came out of pure competition and wanted to be considered the best among the best but I couldn’t help but think it was a way of dragging others down to help yourself up. Let me know if you feel the same way.

P.S. I can’t help but hope that Childish Gambino has a rebuttal to this for not being mentioned.

Just a thought.

12 Rapper Adlibs you can use Everyday

I swear rappers have it all. Not only do they get to say whatever they want in songs, (i.e. things they don’t like, and then on the next song talk about everything they do) but they also get to complain about living the lavish life and having to meet new beautiful women that adore them every single day, it must be hard. On top of that they get the privilege of making up noises and phrases that everyone loves, something that was previously reserved for strictly Pokemon and babies. Here are 12 Rapper adlibs you can use in everyday life because it’s not fair that you have to only pretend you’re a rapper in the hallways of work when no one is looking, or when you’re out with your friends and no black people are looking, but we’re always listening so watch it.

1. Drake’s AHHH! For when you get a really bad paper cut.

2. Young Jeezy’s YEAAAAH! For when your grandparents send you birthday money.

3. Young Jeezy’s AHA! For when your friend’s say they invited some people over for your birthday.

4. Young Jeezy’s DAMMMNNNN! When you realize it’s not your birthday.

5. 2 Chainz TRUUUU! When you need to confirm that to your knowledge your friend does not have a STD.

6. The Weeknd’s OOOOOOOOOOO! On those weekends you and Drake serenade owls in the forest.

7. Chris Brown’s Leh Gooo! On Halloween when your brother has played with the glitter mask for his ten minutes, and now its your turn.

8. Jay-Z’s AWH! For when you’re trying to get a pigeon out of your way when walking to work.

9. Trinidad James WOO! For when you pop a molly when its 90 degrees and decide to take a walk in Leopard print shirt and after taking it off you realize heat stroke is still imminent.

10. Wiz Khalifa’s Laugh. For when you get home and you finally get the joke you friend told you 3 hours.

11. Pusha T’s YUCKK! For when your peas are touching your mash potatoes, and we all know that’s never okay.

12. Waka Flocka’s WAKA! For those nights you say you aren’t going out but after drinking you find yourself playing extreme piano with Fozzie Bear, again.

Cellphone Evangelist’s and Why I hate you

“I swear after having this phone for a day you would want to disembowel that phone.” -A friend?

I’m tired of someone trying to convince me their phone is the greatest discovery since pornography on the internet. I’m sorry but your (insert your new phone here) is not the cellphone messiah here to save us from our dire mistake in the garden where we partook of the apple, and by garden I mean your local Bestbuy, and the apple is well, Apple in this scenario. Not to say that I am an advocate of all things monotone, crisp and aesthetically pleasing (as I type from my MacBook Pro and check my twitter account on my Iphone 5) because I am sort of, but this is really about the “cell phone thumpers” that swear on their swipe texting abilities that their phone is and will always reside on the right hand on God himself for checking incoming prayers and whether Rihanna has responded to his “your’re so sexy” tweet.

People need to relax about their phones. It’s a phone, no even better it’s a smart phone, so they all basically do the same thing, help you waste time, and the newer ones just help you do it at a faster rate. As long as I can stay keyed into Katy Perry’s Instagram account, check my BuzzFeed articles and continually check my Facebook only to confirm no one is still thinking of me, I’ll be fine. So please leave me alone with your Android vs. iOS debates, I am content, my thumb can reach ever part of the screen, I can text quickly and ignore calls from my girlfriend or anyone else that didn’t get the text message that phone conversations are not only dead but highly annoying. And the same goes for iOS users, no one wants to hear about your once-thought-to-be-leader-of-the-free-world Steve Jobs and how everything about the iPhone is perfect and your “customization is for losers” attitude. Sounds very 1984 to me. So please everyone take a hint, if the phone is that awesome it will speak for itself, I do not need your assistance in my decision for phones, this is not a primary election. And stay the eff away from my house on Saturday mornings, because I just want to sleep, @Jehovah’s Witnesses.  

 

Yeezus Christ…

Sad thing about this is, I can’t even say I am surprised. This seems right up Kanye’s lane of customized kilt wearing crazy. This being Kanye’s most recent addition to controversial fodder is allegedly an alternative album cover according to Hip Hop Vibe. As if the title Yeezus wasn’t enough to make you want to go to church for just thinking about buying the album, this alternative cover is sure to incite more talks of the infamous Illuminati, horned animals ruling the world, and Jay-Z being a time traveler.

So before all the talk starts lets all be reminded that rappers like any other artists need to sell their records and they do that by marketing their product, in any way. Kanye is known for being controversial and always does something to catch the public’s eye right before the release of a project, whether it be Air Yeezy’s or a movie with the snippets of his entire album. This is bound to stir up arguments in the blogosphere for the bible thumpers and Yeezy and non-Yeezy fans a like, I am almost surprised he didn’t liken himself to Jesus earlier. Oh wait.

He did.

So this really shouldn’t even be a point of controversy anymore! Kanye thinks he’s God, Amanda Bynes thinks she’s Blac Chyna, Ben Affleck thought he could play Daredevil, everyone has their own type of crazy to deal with. This in addition to Kanye’s uncompromising ego, it really is very normal, in terms of Kanye at least. 

Death to LOL

It’s probably not that funny. Really, it’s at most mildly amusing. No, you probably understand the humor that was trying to be conveyed but I highly doubt that you’re laughing out loud from Jim’s text that said “What you talkin’ bout Willis?”, in reaction to you’re message, “Iron Man 3 was disappointing”, cause it was just that. Where did the fire breathing come from?

To be honest LOL is overused, and more importantly incorrectly used. And LOL is just a figurehead here, LMAO–Laughing My Ass Off– and its equally out of control Dukes of Hazard of a brother ROTFL–Rolling on the Floor Laughing– are not to be forgotten either. Most things in life are not funny enough to make you cry out in a public disturbance type of laughter, if they are you must really enjoy your life and your friends, family and co-workers must really hate theirs. Most of the time when you read something that is funny I doubt you start laughing, you probably say something like: “that’s funny” or “hilarious” or “that’s comedy”, for my folks out in Iowa that feel the need to tell me something comedic is happening as I am witnessing it.

 A little background of my texting history my first cellphone was a LG 1300i which I received my junior year of high school (2006 for those wondering).

A sad excuse for a phone. Plus who needs a mirror that small?

I used to lie to people and tell them the mirror was a camera and in college when I had to revert back to this fossil I texted under the table. Soon after being given my phone I realized that people could reach me at almost any time, and although it was just my friends calling me to get on Halo or my mom calling to make sure I was actually at football practice and not practicing making babies, I found myself hating to talk on the phone. I have been texting every since, I fell in love with an early form of texting on AOL Instant Messenger in junior high which was the first place I saw phrases like: lol, brb–be right back–, and the always unnecessary wyd–what you doin’?–, which you always and still answer with, “nm” even if you’re at prescreening for Star Wars Episode VII. Now I tweet fairly often about 40 times a week and send roughly 850 text messages a month (which is a little low according to a Pew Internet Study in 2011 that found 18-24 year olds text about 110 times a day.)

A little more than a decade past my introduction to LOL I would say on average there are about 7 times, on a good day, when I feel the need to laugh out loud at something; most of those coming from me being courteous to my coworkers and their inability to tell a joke without far too many details or even a modicum of respect for my time. Even at this point I wouldn’t say I laugh out loud, I would say I: chuckle, snicker, tee-hee, and when it’s allergy season cackle or breath heavily through my nose for a second but I probably didn’t laugh out loud.

 An article CNN called LOL Isn’t Funny Anymore by John McWhorter suggests that LOL is a sign of empathy now, used to illustrate something other than laugh out loud. Although I am not sure of how empathetic it is, I do think it adds a kind of a “I get it, that was supposed to be funny” effect to everything because texting and email can come off as cold if you don’t add something to it, like a smiley face, 

 which helps change the attitude of a text message from strictly robotic to Sonny from I, Robot; personable but still creepy.

So to make sure LOL keeps its’ integrity and its actual meaning for existence I think we should start using more accurate phrases in casual texting conversations. Because truth be told you don’t know how that person is reacting to your message, but if you REALLY wanted to know you would just call them. So to keep your friends from being liars and you from developing an undeserved sense of being a comedy genius lets try out some different phrases, don’t worry they are still acronyms:

1. TF–That’s Funny–Definition: You understand that something is comical in your brain, the message just did not get sent to your face.
2. SS–Slightly Smiled–Definition: That statement funny but really more charming than it was funny, but it made me smile so I still file it under a laugh.
3. ISWYDT–I See What You Did There–Definition: I realize you made a pun, I didn’t laugh but you put work into this joke, hopefully not more than 5 minutes but work was and I appreciate it.
4. SML–Slapping My Leg–Definition: Something is so funny you actually laugh and slap your leg because your voice just isn’t enough to convey the hilarity of this joke. 
5. SSEL–Slapping someone else’s leg–Definition: Something so hilarious that hitting yourself wouldn’t accurately describe the joy you received from this joke, the only way you can share this jovial moment is by slapping someone else next to you. P.S. You can switch leg with any body part.
6. CPR–Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation–Definition: You laugh so hard that you stop being able to breathe and give your self an asthma attack, this is the last message you can send out and hope that your hilarious friend can find you and revive you before telling another joke.
7. LAL–Laughed a Little–Definition: You let a gush of air out of your nostrils not to be confused with a sneeze.
8. FOMSL–Falling Out of My Seat Laughing–Definition: You almost harmed yourself because of how ridiculously funny this joke was and you might want to bring it down a notch if you’re anywhere other than by yourself and even then maybe you should just relax for a minute.

So start calling people out on their overuse of LOL. If you write something to a co-worker on instant messenger and they respond with and “LOL” you respond with, “I didn’t hear you laugh.” Be that guy!

Try using some of these or add your own and let me know below or on Twitter @a1os4wrds.