Marissa Mayer….okayyyy

Marissa Mayer....okayyyy

Soooo Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer did an article for Vogue accompanied with a futuristic Taylor Swift album cover themed photo shoot? Yea I can’t really explain it either. Granted I only skimmed the article, and by skimmed I mean I read the bullet points that came on the side of the CNN article about the Vogue article whose subject was Marissa Mayer.

Mayer recently made headlines for taking away Working From Home for Yahoo employees. This picture only reaffirmed what many Yahoo employees originally thought after her hiring, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in.”

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Storm Chasing a.k.a. The Death Race

I read an article on CNN today about the dangers of storm chasing, Storm Chasing: Science: thrill-seeking or tourism? which I thought at this time in human civilization would automatically be deemed unnecessary.

The article goes on to explain the (I guess growing?) trend of amateur storm chasers. The author Catherine E Sholchet also raises some valid points about whether this is the best way to track and find other information out about storms, as if storm chasers themselves didn’t know that chasing a storm could possibly lead to death. It’s a storm. They are known to kill people. That’s why there are alarms and sirens that warn people of the imminent storm. Which is why the three men were killed in last weeks tornado in Oklahoma, to find out more information to prevent further people from dying from storms, they knew what they were up against.

Martin Lisius, the primary source in the story, who has been chasing storms since 1987 says that because of 1996 movie Twister Image, which starred -the only relevant in the 90’s- Helen Hunt and Bil Paxton, a new generation of storm chasers has emerged without realizing the risk. And this is where I got confused. Who doesn’t know the risk of chasing a storm?

What I’m trying to say is that I highly doubt that Hollywood glamorized storm chasing with a movie starring BILL PAXTON AND HELEN HUNT! It’s not possible. All Bil Paxton makes me want to do is the opposite of whatever he is any any movie. Because of him I no longer have dreams fo being a storm chaser or astronaut. And the only realization Helen Hunt has helped me with is that if she is the best I can get if I look like Mel Gibson and can actually read the thoughts of women, let me find the closest F5 tornado to chase quickly. Shame on this Martin Lisius for trying to pin “storm chasing” on a mediocre movie that had add most two B-List celebs. Its not going to cut it Lisius. I doubt anyone took a piece of the movie as the-truth-about-tornadoes after the scene where Paxton and Hunt actually outrun a tornado, something I thought was only reserved for the Flash, Superman and Chuck Norris. 

The story gets better when Mr. Lisius tells us he actually offers storm chasing tours and says. “It’s like a cruise, you know.” Wait weren’t you just talking about a group of amateur storm chasers not realizing the risk and danger involved in storm chasing? Do you think that maybe offering casual storm chasing tours isn’t the best idea to sway people from chasing their own tornadoes? 

The point is, storm chasers know what they are getting into, just like people who join the army know the risk of death while out in combat. They choose to do this so let them, and for people that are interested in storms but not that interested enough to run into a wide open field and film an oncoming tornado (i.e. most people) maybe we could look into petitioning the government to send drones to take pictures tornadoes instead of bomb strikes at Libya. Or bomb strikes at tornadoes and pictures of Libya, whichever gets us off this topic quicker.

Cellphone Evangelist’s and Why I hate you

“I swear after having this phone for a day you would want to disembowel that phone.” -A friend?

I’m tired of someone trying to convince me their phone is the greatest discovery since pornography on the internet. I’m sorry but your (insert your new phone here) is not the cellphone messiah here to save us from our dire mistake in the garden where we partook of the apple, and by garden I mean your local Bestbuy, and the apple is well, Apple in this scenario. Not to say that I am an advocate of all things monotone, crisp and aesthetically pleasing (as I type from my MacBook Pro and check my twitter account on my Iphone 5) because I am sort of, but this is really about the “cell phone thumpers” that swear on their swipe texting abilities that their phone is and will always reside on the right hand on God himself for checking incoming prayers and whether Rihanna has responded to his “your’re so sexy” tweet.

People need to relax about their phones. It’s a phone, no even better it’s a smart phone, so they all basically do the same thing, help you waste time, and the newer ones just help you do it at a faster rate. As long as I can stay keyed into Katy Perry’s Instagram account, check my BuzzFeed articles and continually check my Facebook only to confirm no one is still thinking of me, I’ll be fine. So please leave me alone with your Android vs. iOS debates, I am content, my thumb can reach ever part of the screen, I can text quickly and ignore calls from my girlfriend or anyone else that didn’t get the text message that phone conversations are not only dead but highly annoying. And the same goes for iOS users, no one wants to hear about your once-thought-to-be-leader-of-the-free-world Steve Jobs and how everything about the iPhone is perfect and your “customization is for losers” attitude. Sounds very 1984 to me. So please everyone take a hint, if the phone is that awesome it will speak for itself, I do not need your assistance in my decision for phones, this is not a primary election. And stay the eff away from my house on Saturday mornings, because I just want to sleep, @Jehovah’s Witnesses.  

 

Death to LOL

It’s probably not that funny. Really, it’s at most mildly amusing. No, you probably understand the humor that was trying to be conveyed but I highly doubt that you’re laughing out loud from Jim’s text that said “What you talkin’ bout Willis?”, in reaction to you’re message, “Iron Man 3 was disappointing”, cause it was just that. Where did the fire breathing come from?

To be honest LOL is overused, and more importantly incorrectly used. And LOL is just a figurehead here, LMAO–Laughing My Ass Off– and its equally out of control Dukes of Hazard of a brother ROTFL–Rolling on the Floor Laughing– are not to be forgotten either. Most things in life are not funny enough to make you cry out in a public disturbance type of laughter, if they are you must really enjoy your life and your friends, family and co-workers must really hate theirs. Most of the time when you read something that is funny I doubt you start laughing, you probably say something like: “that’s funny” or “hilarious” or “that’s comedy”, for my folks out in Iowa that feel the need to tell me something comedic is happening as I am witnessing it.

 A little background of my texting history my first cellphone was a LG 1300i which I received my junior year of high school (2006 for those wondering).

A sad excuse for a phone. Plus who needs a mirror that small?

A sad excuse for a phone. Plus who needs a mirror that small?

I used to lie to people and tell them the mirror was a camera and in college when I had to revert back to this fossil I texted under the table. Soon after being given my phone I realized that people could reach me at almost any time, and although it was just my friends calling me to get on Halo or my mom calling to make sure I was actually at football practice and not practicing making babies, I found myself hating to talk on the phone. I have been texting every since, I fell in love with an early form of texting on AOL Instant Messenger in junior high which was the first place I saw phrases like: lol, brb–be right back–, and the always unnecessary wyd–what you doin’?–, which you always and still answer with, “nm” even if you’re at prescreening for Star Wars Episode VII. Now I tweet fairly often about 40 times a week and send roughly 850 text messages a month (which is a little low according to a Pew Internet Study in 2011 that found 18-24 year olds text about 110 times a day.)

A little more than a decade past my introduction to LOL I would say on average there are about 7 times, on a good day, when I feel the need to laugh out loud at something; most of those coming from me being courteous to my coworkers and their inability to tell a joke without far too many details or even a modicum of respect for my time. Even at this point I wouldn’t say I laugh out loud, I would say I: chuckle, snicker, tee-hee, and when it’s allergy season cackle or breath heavily through my nose for a second but I probably didn’t laugh out loud.

 An article CNN called LOL Isn’t Funny Anymore by John McWhorter suggests that LOL is a sign of empathy now, used to illustrate something other than laugh out loud. Although I am not sure of how empathetic it is, I do think it adds a kind of a “I get it, that was supposed to be funny” effect to everything because texting and email can come off as cold if you don’t add something to it, like a smiley face, 

Image

 which helps change the attitude of a text message from strictly robotic to Sonny from I, Robot; personable but still creepy.Image

So to make sure LOL keeps its’ integrity and its actual meaning for existence I think we should start using more accurate phrases in casual texting conversations. Because truth be told you don’t know how that person is reacting to your message, but if you REALLY wanted to know you would just call them. So to keep your friends from being liars and you from developing an undeserved sense of being a comedy genius lets try out some different phrases, don’t worry they are still acronyms:

  1. TF–That’s Funny–Definition: You understand that something is comical in your brain, the message just did not get sent to your face.
  2. SS–Slightly Smiled–Definition: That statement funny but really more charming than it was funny, but it made me smile so I still file it under a laugh.
  3. ISWYDT–I See What You Did There–Definition: I realize you made a pun, I didn’t laugh but you put work into this joke, hopefully not more than 5 minutes but work was and I appreciate it.
  4. SML–Slapping My Leg–Definition: Something is so funny you actually laugh and slap your leg because your voice just isn’t enough to convey the hilarity of this joke. 
  5. SSEL–Slapping someone else’s leg–Definition: Something so hilarious that hitting yourself wouldn’t accurately describe the joy you received from this joke, the only way you can share this jovial moment is by slapping someone else next to you. P.S. You can switch leg with any body part.
  6. CPR–Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation–Definition: You laugh so hard that you stop being able to breathe and give your self an asthma attack, this is the last message you can send out and hope that your hilarious friend can find you and revive you before telling another joke.
  7. LAL–Laughed a Little–Definition: You let a gush of air out of your nostrils not to be confused with a sneeze.
  8. FOMSL–Falling Out of My Seat Laughing–Definition: You almost harmed yourself because of how ridiculously funny this joke was and you might want to bring it down a notch if you’re anywhere other than by yourself and even then maybe you should just relax for a minute.

So start calling people out on their overuse of LOL. If you write something to a co-worker on instant messenger and they respond with and “LOL” you respond with, “I didn’t hear you laugh.” Be that guy!

Try using some of these or add your own and let me know below or on Twitter @a1os4wrds.